Samuel's One-Year Anniversary

March 26, 2009, marked one year since Samuel left us. It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time. I miss him so much. I wanted his anniversary to be really special, but I couldn't decide what to do. Then Roy ended up being in St. George anyway, so I just took Elisabeth and Rebekah to the cemetery with me in the morning. We put some flowers and a sign on his grave and said a prayer together. The sign said, "We miss you, Sam...but we are one year closer to Together Forever!" It was a beautiful day, but very windy and cold, so we didn't stay as long as I would have liked to. I went to the Mount Timpanogos Temple in the evening. I felt a really strong feeling of peace and relief as I entered the Celestial Room in the temple that night. It was very real.

I wrote this poem a while back. It's not perfect in its cadence, etc., but when I tried to "fix" it, I couldn't change anything. It describes what I have been through and how I feel.

Sweet Peace

For years I dream of having a son.

Surprise! Here he comes.

He looks deeply into my eyes at birth.

He knows me, his mother.

Peace.

He cries and cries and cries.

Life seems tough for my precious little guy.

But he’s so incredibly sweet, an angel.

The perfect little boy for me.

Peace.

Being a mother is hard.I

can’t get any rest.

But this baby is my dream come true.

He loves me.

Peace.

He grows so fast.

It’s so easy to love him.

His smile melts my heart and others’.

A real charmer.

Peace.

It’s late, and he’s nestled on my lap.

Something goes terribly wrong.

“Please, God, don’t take my baby!”

Over and over, I plead.

Peace.

I am scared.

How can this be happening?

So many questions with no real answers.

In humility, I pray.

Peace.

They try everything.

Saving lives is what they do.

Sometimes, though, God has a different plan.

He is in control.

Peace.

I have to let him go, don’t I?

Tough decisions made by the Spirit.

One last smile from my baby boy

Tells me he loves me.

Peace.

All is quiet; he is gone.

The sorrow is so immense.

How can I go on without my baby?

Relief that he is free.

Peace.

I hold him close,

But he is not really there.

His body is an empty shell.

He sleepeth.

Peace.

I feel numb.

Everything has changed.

Can I face my family and friends today?

Open arms and hearts.

Peace.

Reality sets in.

How can this be real?

It wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

Blessings come.

Peace.

Life does go on.

I wonder how sometimes.

Our family will be complete again one day.

Jesus Christ made it so.

Peace.

Prayers are answered.

Hope fills my heart.

I see that I can be happy again.

Comfort fills my soul.

Peace.

Even though I would love to hold my sweet baby boy again...right now!...I would not choose to go back to where we were before. We have been so blessed. I am grateful for everything that I have and everything I am learning. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and wish for things to be different. I cry really hard, and sometimes I honestly cannot breathe. I have not always felt that I have "endured well" throughout these past few years. But I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us, that he loves us, and he is helping us. He hears my prayers, and he answers them. I am learning to "Let Go...and Let God." Today (March 29) I have been hearing these words in my head, "Sweet is the Peace the Gospel Brings" (the title to a hymn). It is true! It can carry us through anything and everything! I am incredibly blessed to have so much support from friends and family. I don't know how people make it through anything without that. I don't think I could.